With the Jimmy Vesey soap opera nearing a close the Bruins will have one final attempt this afternoon at wooing the Harvard alum to join their club. Despite all the rumblings that the B’s aren’t exactly the clear favorite I’m going to disagree and go with my gut that Boston is where he wants to, and will, end up. You can’t blame the guy for wanting a few free steak dinners from other suitors along the way. But just to be certain I’d advise the Bruins to use my shortlist of star power to bring to the meeting with Vesey so he can’t say no. These are the 5 people who could sell Vesey on Boston just by breathing in the same room as him:
1) Tyler Seguin
Remember Tyler Seguin? He was on the Bruins roster once. He scored a couple goals, won a Stanley Cup, and got laid by the hour. This is the #1 guy you need in the room to pitch Vesey. This isn’t the college campus you’re looking to dominate anymore, Jimmy (even though Seguin used to patrol them like a mall cop). It’s time to spread your wings, capitalize on what the city has to offer, and live like a rockstar. Seguin can sell him on the ultimate NHL lifestyle in Boston. Women, Cups, Brad Marchand, shirtless dancing in bars. And if for some reason Jimmy doesn’t like it here after a couple seasons, Seguin owns the bender blueprint on how to get shipped out of town. It’s a win-win for Vesey. Some one hit up Seguin’s Tinder and let’s get him in on the meeting.
2) New Kids On The Block
I don’t know a red blooded American who hears the word Boston and doesn’t immediately think of NKOTB. The Jacobs family should call up ol’ Joey, Donny, and whoever the other three guys are, and have them really sit down with Jimmy and explain how much the city added an authentic feel to their music. Explain how the city helped shape the legacy of their artistic genuis. Maybe even have them sing an A capella of “Hangin’ Tough”? Much like Seguin’s experience they too can also vouch for the “getting laid department” as well.
3) John Cena
Masschusetts native John Cena fills the role Tom Brady would normally hold in a meeting with Vesey. He’s a world champion with Hollywood good looks, career longevity, wholesome personality, and the face of the most legitimate sport on the planet. He can speak to being a leader and role model with Boston roots while even helping Jimmy pick a goal song, signature move, and slogan. An added bonus is Cena could offer to be Jimmy’s workout partner to help build the Herculean pecs, bi’s, traps and neck needed to be an NHL star.
4) Conan O’Brien
A little Harvard-on-Harvard talk would lock up Vesey in a heartbeat, and that’s where Conan O’Brien comes in. He’d blend hilarious jokes with thoughts on quantum physics and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. They could pour a scotch and just sit and laugh their asses off at how much smarter they are than anyone else by being Harvard men. I can’t imagine many of Vesey’s NHL teammates have set foot in a classroom since they were 13 years old so having a guy there to relate to Magneto level brain power adds a bit of comfort to his decision to stay in Boston.
5) Gisele Bundchen-Brady
If the Boston Celtics had Gisele meet with Kevin Durant and Kevin Love instead of using Brady and Gronk the boys in green would be working on a 3-peat right now. It’s that simple. Do you want to meet Dustin Johnson or Paulina Gretzky? Back in the day would it have been Nick Lachey or “hall of fame era” Jessica Simpson? Musical genuis Kevin Federline or Britney Spears? Ashton or Mila? See the pattern here? Conventional wisdom says send in the bro that’s relatable. Wrong move. You send in Gisele and Vesey will sign for a dollar over 10-years, bro.
Alternate: Taylor Swift
I didn’t want to do this because she is already such a charitable person but if there’s any hint of doubt about Vesey signing in Boston you have to bring in Ms. Swift. She knows more about heart break, bad blood, and success than anyone on the planet. A simple meet-n-greet style photo for Jimmy’s twitter avatar and a signed copy of her latest album should do it. She’s also finally starting to get hot so that helps. But again, she’s strictly in an alternate/last minute role here due to the lack of a true local tie.
So that’s it, Jacob’s family. That’s how you get him to sign. And if your plan-B doesn’t work don’t say I didn’t tell you.